The Great Divide
Remember when playing the stereo at full power was the only way to listen to a good rock song? Remember when we did crazy things with our hair? Remember when we knew "exactly" how our life was going to turn out? Oh, and remember how "old people" in their 20s and above, let alone our ancient parents just couldn't understand us? I suspect regardless of your age, you can relate. There has always been a cultural divide between older and younger generations. For most people my age, we are now the "ancient" parents.
Yet a recent Princeton study concluded the cultural separation between older and younger generations which is a natural and positive thing as we transition through the stages of life, is wider than ever before which is having a negative, visible and dangerous effect on us as a society.
I, in my non-scientific, "this is what I think" method, have also come to some conclusions about this great divide. My biggest conclusion, its our fault. Yeah, us adults. I'm blaming you, and you, and myself.
Listen I'm all for progress and I accept times change, but there are certain things which don't. The relationship between parents and children is one which I think in some ways has changed for the worse. I've spoken about this in other posts, about how too many people try to be their children's friend instead of their parent. Yet this is exactly the effect a generation or two's worth of coddling and lovey-dovey attitudes towards kids has had. Today we have what I would consider the first "coddled" generation of Americans starting to have kids of their own. And what do they do? Well they do what they learned from mom and dad. Lots of talking, little action.
I saw a young mother with what was probably a four year old daughter at the grocery store recently. The daughter kept dropping items from the shopping cart. What did the mom do? She would bend down to pick up the items and explain to the little girl how it wasn't good to drop that stuff because it could break and because someone else could slip. Guess what the little girl did? She kept dropping stuff. Why? Well, why not? Where was the repercussion? Where was that initial "good vs bad" consequence? Why would the girl stop if there was no negative effect? Do you really think a four year old sits around thinking of a stranger's welfare or whether an item which has no value to her breaks or not? Of course not. In my opinion, that woman was hurting her daughter far more than the momentary limits of that specific situation. She was reinforcing the little girl didn't have to concern herself with left and right limits, with right or wrong, or with boundaries.
I went to my son's high school last night for freshman/parent orientation where parents got to go from class to class and meet the students' teachers. As we were walking in the hall, there was a kid screaming at his mother and calling her an idiot because she was "walking the wrong way". The mom was all smiles lost as could be and the dad was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to walk up to that kid and smack his mouth to the back of his neck. Yet there was his mom, just laughing it off. Probably like she has done her whole life. And the father who should have been there was probably doing what he has done his whole life, be an absentee parent if he's even in the picture at all. No left or right limits? No boundaries? That is what you get. Kids don't raise themselves. And if they do, they do a horrible job of it which is why in my opinion, this great divide is getting bigger and bigger.
Friends, especially generation Xers like me in their late 30's to mid 40s, these are our kids having kids now. This is the mess we've made collectively by thinking we were so much smarter than our parents. By thinking if we were "firm" with our kids we were somehow being abusive when there is a huge difference between the two. We created the first "all about me" generation in the U.S. and that generation has created a second generation of "all about me's" and they are embedded with that attitude. They know no other way.
I'm not trying to bash my generation and I think a lot of good findings and ideas have come from the things we've learned about parenting through academic research, yet when you over-intellectualize what is essentially instinctive behavior in most of us, you turn an easy thing into a difficult thing unnecessarily.
I don't have all the answers but I've identified the problem as I see it. For those who still have children at the "molding" stage, please consider making an effort to set those limits, to be the "parent." For those of you whose kids are grown and maybe have children of their own, I would say own up to your parenting shortfalls and if you feel it has hurt your children, work to try to mentor them on how to be stronger, more assertive, more involved parents with their kids. I bet if you're honest with your adult children, they'll appreciate it and see it as an opportunity to bond in ways maybe you may not have when they were younger. They will also see it as a sign their natural instincts to be firm parents are ok and acceptable.
I know this assessment on my part doesn't define all of us. I know some of us have raised our kids a little bit old-school. Yet whether I'm talking about your kids in particular or not, this is "our" problem as a society and our problem to fix together. We are all just one or two generations away from being at the mercy of our society as elderly citizens. Will we have caring individuals who do "for" us when we can't do for ourselves? Will they choose to take responsibility for and treat us with dignity when we are in the twilight of our lives? Or will we have a generation who will see us as a nuisance to "deal with" and relegate us to the fringes of our society because we have no value to them? If we don't act now I fear the great "divide" will never be bridged and we will bear the brunt of our failure to have done so, and by then, it will be too late anyway.
We owe it to our kids, to our grandchildren and future generations to bridge the gap, to act like adults and teach our children right from wrong. Will they always play their music too loud? You bet your patooty they will and good for 'em. Will it bother you? Yes it will. That is the natural order of things; at some point we all become our parents. Yet the optimal word there is "natural". A healthy divide between the young and old is great, let's just not let it grow into the great "void" between us and them.
Yet a recent Princeton study concluded the cultural separation between older and younger generations which is a natural and positive thing as we transition through the stages of life, is wider than ever before which is having a negative, visible and dangerous effect on us as a society.
I, in my non-scientific, "this is what I think" method, have also come to some conclusions about this great divide. My biggest conclusion, its our fault. Yeah, us adults. I'm blaming you, and you, and myself.
Listen I'm all for progress and I accept times change, but there are certain things which don't. The relationship between parents and children is one which I think in some ways has changed for the worse. I've spoken about this in other posts, about how too many people try to be their children's friend instead of their parent. Yet this is exactly the effect a generation or two's worth of coddling and lovey-dovey attitudes towards kids has had. Today we have what I would consider the first "coddled" generation of Americans starting to have kids of their own. And what do they do? Well they do what they learned from mom and dad. Lots of talking, little action.
I saw a young mother with what was probably a four year old daughter at the grocery store recently. The daughter kept dropping items from the shopping cart. What did the mom do? She would bend down to pick up the items and explain to the little girl how it wasn't good to drop that stuff because it could break and because someone else could slip. Guess what the little girl did? She kept dropping stuff. Why? Well, why not? Where was the repercussion? Where was that initial "good vs bad" consequence? Why would the girl stop if there was no negative effect? Do you really think a four year old sits around thinking of a stranger's welfare or whether an item which has no value to her breaks or not? Of course not. In my opinion, that woman was hurting her daughter far more than the momentary limits of that specific situation. She was reinforcing the little girl didn't have to concern herself with left and right limits, with right or wrong, or with boundaries.
I went to my son's high school last night for freshman/parent orientation where parents got to go from class to class and meet the students' teachers. As we were walking in the hall, there was a kid screaming at his mother and calling her an idiot because she was "walking the wrong way". The mom was all smiles lost as could be and the dad was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to walk up to that kid and smack his mouth to the back of his neck. Yet there was his mom, just laughing it off. Probably like she has done her whole life. And the father who should have been there was probably doing what he has done his whole life, be an absentee parent if he's even in the picture at all. No left or right limits? No boundaries? That is what you get. Kids don't raise themselves. And if they do, they do a horrible job of it which is why in my opinion, this great divide is getting bigger and bigger.
Friends, especially generation Xers like me in their late 30's to mid 40s, these are our kids having kids now. This is the mess we've made collectively by thinking we were so much smarter than our parents. By thinking if we were "firm" with our kids we were somehow being abusive when there is a huge difference between the two. We created the first "all about me" generation in the U.S. and that generation has created a second generation of "all about me's" and they are embedded with that attitude. They know no other way.
I'm not trying to bash my generation and I think a lot of good findings and ideas have come from the things we've learned about parenting through academic research, yet when you over-intellectualize what is essentially instinctive behavior in most of us, you turn an easy thing into a difficult thing unnecessarily.
I don't have all the answers but I've identified the problem as I see it. For those who still have children at the "molding" stage, please consider making an effort to set those limits, to be the "parent." For those of you whose kids are grown and maybe have children of their own, I would say own up to your parenting shortfalls and if you feel it has hurt your children, work to try to mentor them on how to be stronger, more assertive, more involved parents with their kids. I bet if you're honest with your adult children, they'll appreciate it and see it as an opportunity to bond in ways maybe you may not have when they were younger. They will also see it as a sign their natural instincts to be firm parents are ok and acceptable.
I know this assessment on my part doesn't define all of us. I know some of us have raised our kids a little bit old-school. Yet whether I'm talking about your kids in particular or not, this is "our" problem as a society and our problem to fix together. We are all just one or two generations away from being at the mercy of our society as elderly citizens. Will we have caring individuals who do "for" us when we can't do for ourselves? Will they choose to take responsibility for and treat us with dignity when we are in the twilight of our lives? Or will we have a generation who will see us as a nuisance to "deal with" and relegate us to the fringes of our society because we have no value to them? If we don't act now I fear the great "divide" will never be bridged and we will bear the brunt of our failure to have done so, and by then, it will be too late anyway.
We owe it to our kids, to our grandchildren and future generations to bridge the gap, to act like adults and teach our children right from wrong. Will they always play their music too loud? You bet your patooty they will and good for 'em. Will it bother you? Yes it will. That is the natural order of things; at some point we all become our parents. Yet the optimal word there is "natural". A healthy divide between the young and old is great, let's just not let it grow into the great "void" between us and them.
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