Professional Whiners; You Know Em
You get up in the morning and pour that tasty first cup of coffee and maybe like many people, go to Facebook to see what your friends are up to. You start looking at wallposts when boom, there it is; your "victim" friend does it again. They're sending a note to all the people who "don't care," or asking "why" nobody loves them, or begging for attention in any of a million whiny, far-too-expected ways.
I am all about empathy and sympathy but friends who are constantly making themselves out to be victims are incredibly draining aren't they? I'm not talking about the person who has an occasional mishap, falls a little short sometimes, or says a little more than he/she should after having a few drinks. I'm talking about the person who actively works to be a victim 24/7. The person you could say the most positive thing to and can somehow turn it around into a story about how horrible their life is.
So what do you do with friends like that? I'm sure each of you has your own tactics to deal with them. For me, it is first a question of whether or not I want this person in my life. It is easy if the person is just an acquaintance, you just delete the from your page. But sometimes even the whiniest people are important parts of our lives and cutting them out is not a viable option. In those situations, I employ what I call the Triple A; Acceptance, Avoidance, and Availability.
First, as difficult as it is for me (because I am always trying to "fix" people) I have to Accept the person as they are. They are never going to be who I "want" them to be. Chances are they have been lifelong victims and complainers, and if you are honest with yourself, they very well may have been that way when you first met them and yet you befriended them. So don't expect them to change for your benefit. Sometimes the best thing you can do is accept them for who they are.
My second step is Avoidance. Depending on the severity of their negativity, I go to their page and go to the button that says "friends" and a drop down menu appears. Then I go to the settings option and it asks what kinds of posts I want to receive from the person. The more I deselect, the less I see them on my timeline. I can even select not to receive any of their wallposts. I really don't want to deal with negative after negative message. So if it takes that to keep the person as a friend, I'll do it.
Third and for me incredibly importance, is Availability. If and when that person reaches out to me directly, I listen. I know they're just going to whine, I know they're just going to blame everyone around them for their circumstances, but you know what? I know that going in. I try to be a good friend but what I won't do is "enable" them. I don't fall into the trap they set which is to find people who will tell them they're right, who will agree to their points of view in order not to hurt their feelings. I stay positive and give them options and opinions about how to see the situation differently, in a more positive light, or actionable advice they could follow to get out of the situation. You know what happens when you do that to whiners? They stop bothering you. They don't want solutions to their problems. They want the attention their whining and victimization bring them. It has nothing to do with their issues, it has to do with them finding people who will pump them up with things like "you're right" or "I'm so sorry about that, you should be sad" or "I would feel the same way." They're looking for people to validate them so that they can continue to feel victimized. I won't do it. I am a good listener and when they ask for my opinion, I give it to them. Like I said, more times than not, they stop coming to me because I won't give them what they want.
These are the tactics I use for my professional whiner friends. I love them and I accept them, but I will avoid them. I will be available to them, but I won't enable them.
I am all about empathy and sympathy but friends who are constantly making themselves out to be victims are incredibly draining aren't they? I'm not talking about the person who has an occasional mishap, falls a little short sometimes, or says a little more than he/she should after having a few drinks. I'm talking about the person who actively works to be a victim 24/7. The person you could say the most positive thing to and can somehow turn it around into a story about how horrible their life is.
So what do you do with friends like that? I'm sure each of you has your own tactics to deal with them. For me, it is first a question of whether or not I want this person in my life. It is easy if the person is just an acquaintance, you just delete the from your page. But sometimes even the whiniest people are important parts of our lives and cutting them out is not a viable option. In those situations, I employ what I call the Triple A; Acceptance, Avoidance, and Availability.
First, as difficult as it is for me (because I am always trying to "fix" people) I have to Accept the person as they are. They are never going to be who I "want" them to be. Chances are they have been lifelong victims and complainers, and if you are honest with yourself, they very well may have been that way when you first met them and yet you befriended them. So don't expect them to change for your benefit. Sometimes the best thing you can do is accept them for who they are.
My second step is Avoidance. Depending on the severity of their negativity, I go to their page and go to the button that says "friends" and a drop down menu appears. Then I go to the settings option and it asks what kinds of posts I want to receive from the person. The more I deselect, the less I see them on my timeline. I can even select not to receive any of their wallposts. I really don't want to deal with negative after negative message. So if it takes that to keep the person as a friend, I'll do it.
Third and for me incredibly importance, is Availability. If and when that person reaches out to me directly, I listen. I know they're just going to whine, I know they're just going to blame everyone around them for their circumstances, but you know what? I know that going in. I try to be a good friend but what I won't do is "enable" them. I don't fall into the trap they set which is to find people who will tell them they're right, who will agree to their points of view in order not to hurt their feelings. I stay positive and give them options and opinions about how to see the situation differently, in a more positive light, or actionable advice they could follow to get out of the situation. You know what happens when you do that to whiners? They stop bothering you. They don't want solutions to their problems. They want the attention their whining and victimization bring them. It has nothing to do with their issues, it has to do with them finding people who will pump them up with things like "you're right" or "I'm so sorry about that, you should be sad" or "I would feel the same way." They're looking for people to validate them so that they can continue to feel victimized. I won't do it. I am a good listener and when they ask for my opinion, I give it to them. Like I said, more times than not, they stop coming to me because I won't give them what they want.
These are the tactics I use for my professional whiner friends. I love them and I accept them, but I will avoid them. I will be available to them, but I won't enable them.
Good Lord, I hope this isn't me "a whiner". Now I have to stop and think if I am or not.
ReplyDelete