The Dangerous Act of "Venting"
I've gotta vent to you guys, venting is not as good for you as you might think. Today I wanted to talk about a topic which is near and dear to me, venting.
Because of my job, I find myself at the center of a lot of work "drama." Let's say I'm like the guy between the boss and the employees. The guy the boss turns to when he needs an ear to let go of frustrations he can't share with the employees, and the guy the employees go to when they need a trusted shoulder to lean on. Needless to say, I hear a lot of venting. Some people seem to not know how to communicate in any other way as a matter of fact :).
After many years of being supportive of people who vent, I came to the conclusion that venting isn't always the helpful mechanism we make it out to be. Now before you get upset and have to go vent to someone about my comments, just hear me out.
When we think of venting, we think of getting this weight off our chest. The goal is to let this heavy issue go by sharing it with someone we trust. But is that what really happens when we vent?
Science tells us concrete evidence exists to link very deep memories with emotion. In other words, while someone might have wronged us, or gotten on our bad side one time, the act of venting to an empathetic ear leads us to reenact the issues, get emotional about them, ensuring our brains record certain feelings as permanently associated with the person we are venting about. Our brains blackball someone for possibly one unfortunate circumstance.
Also, who do we vent to? We vent to people who are going to be on our side; people who will tell us we are right to feel the way we do, to support and strengthen our opinions about whatever we are venting about. In other words, when we vent, we find people who will more than likely confirm that we are "right."
Does it help? On the surface, I would say most people feel venting makes them feel better. But when we look closer, we see that the only reason we may feel better about the situation which prompted us to vent, is because we have solidified that the person or situation "is" indeed worthy of whatever negative emotion we place on them. Our suspicions are confirmed when those hearing us vent say things like "you're right" or "I feel the same way."
One thing venting absolutely leads to is us feeling justified in our feelings and opinions. The problem is, sometimes we are the ones who were "wrong" (Gasp! Did he just say I might be wrong sometimes?). Yes, sometimes, we are the ones who are difficult and mean and angry and not very nice. Sometimes we are the reason for conflict. Sometimes, if anyone is deserving of being vented about, it is us, and not the other person.
So before you go creating really negative feelings towards someone consider other options. For me, a technique I use is I will find someone I enjoy communicating with, and instead of venting, try to find some topic I have very positive emotions about; maybe how my favorite sports team is doing (well if they're doing well), maybe about the great weather, maybe about an upcoming family vacation. I do what comes the least natural at a time when my nature tells me I want to be angry and snarly and find someone who will agree with me that the guy two cubicles over is an oxygen thief; I force myself to talk to someone about something positive. The funny part is halfway through the conversation about whatever it is that makes me happy, I find the negative feelings consuming me earlier, aren't so overwhelming anymore. I find that I can put the situation in context and let the negative feelings go.
So next time you want to go vent to someone (which let's be honest, is usually just a nice word for gossiping about the jerk you don't like), consider a healthier alternative. Go workout, talk to a buddy about your favorite ball-team, give your best friend a call, or better yet go buy your love a card or flowers, just because it's Thursday. You will feel sooo much better than just venting to someone.
Motivational Speaker Zig Ziglar used to say "positive thinking won't get you anywhere, but it will get you everywhere better than negative thinking." I subscribe to that and if you want you can choose to as well. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Consider the high road; there's a great view from up there.
Because of my job, I find myself at the center of a lot of work "drama." Let's say I'm like the guy between the boss and the employees. The guy the boss turns to when he needs an ear to let go of frustrations he can't share with the employees, and the guy the employees go to when they need a trusted shoulder to lean on. Needless to say, I hear a lot of venting. Some people seem to not know how to communicate in any other way as a matter of fact :).
After many years of being supportive of people who vent, I came to the conclusion that venting isn't always the helpful mechanism we make it out to be. Now before you get upset and have to go vent to someone about my comments, just hear me out.
When we think of venting, we think of getting this weight off our chest. The goal is to let this heavy issue go by sharing it with someone we trust. But is that what really happens when we vent?
Science tells us concrete evidence exists to link very deep memories with emotion. In other words, while someone might have wronged us, or gotten on our bad side one time, the act of venting to an empathetic ear leads us to reenact the issues, get emotional about them, ensuring our brains record certain feelings as permanently associated with the person we are venting about. Our brains blackball someone for possibly one unfortunate circumstance.
Also, who do we vent to? We vent to people who are going to be on our side; people who will tell us we are right to feel the way we do, to support and strengthen our opinions about whatever we are venting about. In other words, when we vent, we find people who will more than likely confirm that we are "right."
Does it help? On the surface, I would say most people feel venting makes them feel better. But when we look closer, we see that the only reason we may feel better about the situation which prompted us to vent, is because we have solidified that the person or situation "is" indeed worthy of whatever negative emotion we place on them. Our suspicions are confirmed when those hearing us vent say things like "you're right" or "I feel the same way."
One thing venting absolutely leads to is us feeling justified in our feelings and opinions. The problem is, sometimes we are the ones who were "wrong" (Gasp! Did he just say I might be wrong sometimes?). Yes, sometimes, we are the ones who are difficult and mean and angry and not very nice. Sometimes we are the reason for conflict. Sometimes, if anyone is deserving of being vented about, it is us, and not the other person.
So before you go creating really negative feelings towards someone consider other options. For me, a technique I use is I will find someone I enjoy communicating with, and instead of venting, try to find some topic I have very positive emotions about; maybe how my favorite sports team is doing (well if they're doing well), maybe about the great weather, maybe about an upcoming family vacation. I do what comes the least natural at a time when my nature tells me I want to be angry and snarly and find someone who will agree with me that the guy two cubicles over is an oxygen thief; I force myself to talk to someone about something positive. The funny part is halfway through the conversation about whatever it is that makes me happy, I find the negative feelings consuming me earlier, aren't so overwhelming anymore. I find that I can put the situation in context and let the negative feelings go.
So next time you want to go vent to someone (which let's be honest, is usually just a nice word for gossiping about the jerk you don't like), consider a healthier alternative. Go workout, talk to a buddy about your favorite ball-team, give your best friend a call, or better yet go buy your love a card or flowers, just because it's Thursday. You will feel sooo much better than just venting to someone.
Motivational Speaker Zig Ziglar used to say "positive thinking won't get you anywhere, but it will get you everywhere better than negative thinking." I subscribe to that and if you want you can choose to as well. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Consider the high road; there's a great view from up there.
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